A lot of things are up in the air right now. It's a sobering place to be. Times like this, it's hard to fight stress, to not fall into faithlessness.
We've got a lot of decisions to make-- a lot of big things to do-- in the next couple weeks, which means we don't do a whole lot besides feed babies and pray. It brings me that much closer to my husband, and I'm thankful for these trials we face. Endless as they seem.
And times like these my mind tends to wander every which direction. It usually doesn't make sense. But my husband holds me and listens, my head tight against his chest.
I've just spent 7 nights away from him. 7 nights, no husband to snuggle. No husband to laugh at my pregnant-lady dreams. We're together again at last, and his face fits just perfectly, right between my hands.
I think of the souls of these three. Entrusted to us, such a heavy responsibility. And 3 John 1:4 comes to mind over and over again, as I wake each morning, throughout my day, as they eat, wake, sleep. We're devoted, every single bedtime since birth, to praying with them. Our prayer has consistently, fervently, been
that He make our children a godly man and woman. All throughout the day, I ask them over and over, "What does Mama want you to be?" Their little faces light up and I know they know they answer.
A godly man. A godly woman.
"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth." No greater joy.
And perhaps once a day, in the middle of each bustling 24-hour period, my spinning mind comes back to these heavy words, and I slow myself down to refocus.
"It is very grievous to see how some professedly Christian parents are satisfied so long as their children display cleverness in learning, or sharpness in business, although they show no signs of a renewed nature. If they pass their examinations with credit and promise to be well fitted for the world's battle, their parents forget that there is a superior conflict, involving a higher crown, for which the child will need to be fitted by divine grace and armed with the whole armor of God. Alas, if our children lose the crown of life, it will be but a small consolation that they have won the laurels of literature or art."
-C.H. Spurgeon
I've been pondering how different our life would be without these little ones. How our twins' first birthday is nearing, and how if things had gone our way, September 28 would be nothing to us.
How if things had gone according to
our plan, Sebastian and Katharina would not be. How these three are such gifts, surprises, but bring total joy, meaning, to our life.
Not my will, but Yours.
How the only children we "planned" for are the twins we don't have here with us.
That humbles me, takes me to my knees, and my heart is grateful. Grateful for all He's given, even all He's taken away. Grateful that the God we serve is a sovereign One, caring for the sparrows, adorning the lilies of the field, numbering the hairs of my very head. That He's infinity, eternity. Unchangeable.
His glorious,
glorious plans.
