When sorrows like sea billows roll.

I was always fearful that I'd have to write this post. But here it is.

On Saturday, July 25, the Lord called home our precious twins.

I had just reached the 10 week mark in my pregnancy and was thrilled to be nearly through with the first trimester-- the most dangerous and risky period of pregnancy, the point at which most people consider it finally "safe" to tell friends. Looking back I am so incredibly amazed at how my body was speaking to me but because I had no previous pregnancies to compare things to, I didn't realize it.
On Wednesday I noticed I was feeling great. Too great, my body seemed to be saying. My pregnancy symptoms had vanished. For the first time in 9 1/2 weeks I was not hugging a bowl. I had energy and I didn't feel emotional. I wasn't longing for a nap. Oh, there were so many other signs that I have chosen to leave out.

It wasn't just my body telling me things, but there was a connection I had with those children-- holding them for 10 whole weeks, feeding them, talking to them, considering names for them, and praying for them. The three of us were all connected in a surreal way. Several days after we found out I was pregnant, I remember calling Peter at work and saying to him, "Honey, I think we're having twins. I just have this strange feeling. We are, and I know it." Peter's response, "Oh love, you just want twins so badly so you're making yourself think we are having them. I don't think so."

And I was right. I always wondered when that motherly intuition would kick in, the very wisdom my own mother possessed. I always thought she was so smart and wondered where her great heart and the eyes in the back of her head came from. And now I know.

And now, there is this void inside of me. It is a dark and lonely place to be. I have this feeling of emptiness that seems to tell me it will not be filled for quite some time. I still cry. I weep. I have thoughts and images running through my mind of those two-- one in each arm. Of the twin stroller I wanted, just because I thought it was cute, having a child in each seat. I think ahead and see Peter outside throwing a football, and tackling his two sons. I even think of how crazy our house would have been. Of how crazy I would have been. But it all makes smile.

And I find comfort in Scripture.

Then shall the young women rejoice in the dance, and the young men and the old shall be merry. I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.
~Jeremiah 31:13

I am so blessed to have been chosen by the Lord to carry these boys for 10 weeks. To be connected to them in a way no man will ever fully understand, and no woman until she has experienced the gift herself. In my mourning I am praising the Lord for being the same God He has always been. He is ever faithful and in control. And that is where I find my hope and peace. To my little boys, my angels in heaven, I love you.

Leif Nicholas
and
Hugh Taylor
7.25.10

-A.H.

On cloth diapering.

I have been decided for some time now. We will be using cloth diapers. For those of you who have been wondering, on top of my own thoughts and convictions, I've done my research too. And I'm certainly decided for these reasons:

• An estimate of 5 million tons of disposable diapers are poured into landfills every year. They are better for the environment
• They prevent diaper rashes: 78% of babies in disposable diapers get diaper rashes
• They encourage early potty training. Moisture sits closer to the skin
  
• The average parents spend anywhere from $1,500-2,000 on disposable diapers, per child. They end up being less expensive in the long run (even if we are to only have 2 children, we will have saved thousands of dollars)
• The chemical (sodium polyacrylate) in disposable diapers has been linked to TSS (toxic shock syndrome). They are healthier for Baby

-A.H.

The test, the zoo, surgery, progress in the nursery.

 Crazy hormones are in full swing. I'm experiencing nearly every [awful] symptom except vomiting. Praise the Lord. Peter can testify: I am nasty right now.
  I cried myself to sleep the other night [for no good reason]. I crave ice cream in a way that seems in-human [can that be a word?]. My back is sore. My chest throbs. There is rarely a time when I do not want to eat. For the first time in my life, I don't want to be touched. I forget everything. I can't follow directions. I also can't sleep on my back anymore. The list goes on. I am pregnant. I am thrilled. And it is worth every discomfort the world can bring.

The promised test picture. We were a little unsure because of how light the second line is, until we read the bold print: "It does not matter whether one line is lighter than the other." Positive is positive. Plus, the test I took 6 weeks later was even more obvious than the first 7 I took... :)

  A few weeks ago my mom picked me up to go to the zoo. I think every time I see them it becomes harder to leave [my family, not the animals!]. But, we are definitely taking advantage of them still being in Ohio and visiting with them all as often as possible.
  I am impressed with how grown up an mature Noah has become. Nevin is in a phase that's often hard to miss-- he doesn't want to cut his hair and won't smile at the camera, Nolan is the same sweet-tempered boy that hates hugs but loves to be loved on. Aliza and Anna are still like two-peas-in-a-pod, the same way I left them.

Aliza. She's always ready to strike a pose. No, she's always striking a pose.

Nolan. He finds happiness in the smallest things. Like having his picture taken near a tree.

A Little Princess.

It was such a hot day for the zoo-- all the animals were in their pools.

I think everyone goes through a stage where they don't want to smile at the camera. Hence Nevin.

I'm not a photographer. I never have been. Therefore, I only have a few pictures from our July 4th weekend. But I'll post them anyway. Raw, unedited and partially blurry. That's what you get when I have the camera!

Leaving for Carowinds!

He followed her around the ring the entire time. :)

Peter's philosophy on bumper cars and a broken collarbone: "I'm having surgery Friday. Who cares!"

I definitely stayed back for these and enjoyed the water slides and wave pools.

In line for the Rip Roarin' Rapids. We waited over an hour.

But it was the perfect opportunity for lots of pictures.

Famous circle picture.

Peter's shoulder: Surgery went well on Friday. Thank you all for your love and prayers. It really was an all-day ordeal. Rather than 4 screws, they put in 6. And instead of it taking the 45 minutes they said it would, it took 1 hour and 59 minutes. But, it already looks so much better than before, despite the 5-6 inch slice and dried blood. And he really feels better too.
Monday was the first day we were allowed to take off the dressing, wash his shoulder and re-dress it. Surprisingly, it didn't make me as nauseous as we thought it would. Preparation for motherhood, or the birthing experience at the very least, I suppose!
Yes, I did snap a picture.

Peter has a picture of the x-ray on his phone. I will try to upload it here soon. I was shocked that the "screws" were actual screws. With pointed tips and threaded shanks. Eww.

A bunch of near-nothingness.

I am in the weirdest mood ever. Even Peter, who I was just talking to said, "Holy cow." Being as hyper as I am I can't imagine that I'll be able to blog about anything of much importance. I just made a dark chocolate cake. And ate a cheese quesadilla (yes, at 10:30AM). This is how my mind is running right now.

I'm so glad I'm feeling better. My mom was surprised that I've been as sick as I was the past few weeks and thinks I'll probably "really get it" now that I am at the period when people generally start feeling really awful. Maybe I got an early dose and I'm set for the rest of the pregnancy. Maybe not. Either way I'm enjoying the burst of energy that I have and rejoicing that I'm not hugging the toilet.

Since I'm not able to upload the pictures on our camera, I will post a picture my sister sent me from our weekend in Charlotte. When we get our computer I promise I'll upload the pictures and get them on here.

At Carowinds.

I got on here with the intentions of posting Tuesday's devotion in Morning and Evening. Here it is:

"WHOEVER LISTENS TO ME WILL DWELL SECURE AND WILL BE AT EASE, WITHOUT DREAD OF DISASTER."

"Divine love is clearly observable when it shines in the face of judgments. Fair is that single star that smiles through the gaps in the thunderclouds; bright is the oasis that blooms in the wilderness of sand; so fair and so bright is love in the midst of wrath. When the Israelites provoked the Most High by their continued idolatry, He punished them by withholding both dew and raid, so that their land was visited by a sore famine; but while He did this, He took care that His own chosen ones should be secure. If all other brooks are dry, yet shall there be one reserved for Elijah; and when that fails, God shall still preserve for him a place of sustinence. Not only so, the Lord also had a remnant according to the election of grace, who were hidden by fifties in a cave; and though the whole land was subject to famine, yet these fifties in the cave were fed, and fed from Ahab's table too by His faithful, God-fearing stweard, Obadiah. Let us from this draw the inference that come what may, God's people are safe. Let convulsions shake the solid earth, let the skies themselves be torn apart, yet amid the wreck of worlds the believer shall be as secure as in the calmest hour of rest..."

What encouragement. What hope. That "we shall be as secure as in the calmest hour of rest."

-A.H.

Finally, another post.

I'm sitting at the library because we're still without a computer at home. I never thought I'd say it, but I actually enjoy not having the computer. I read more, I bake more, I clean more and I sleep more (hey, at this point, the rest is good!). I feel so much more productive not having the constant distraction.
Another bonus of being here is the library blasts its A/C while our old, brick house is baking in this July heat. But, I'm not complaining. We have a window unit in our bedroom and fans in the living room and kitchen. Really, it could all be so much worse.

I am so thrilled to begin painting and decorating the nursery. My dear friend Kate has volunteered to help me make all the bedding and curtains. We decided on a bird theme, and Peter is going to create all the artwork for the walls. This is the fabric I've chosen to use as the crib bumper, then we'll use pieces of it and matching solids to make a quilt and throw pillows to toss everywhere and this green for the skirt and (also with the red on the side bar) curtains.
My parents have offered us the nursery furniture they have and I am so excited to have it: the old furniture that has been passed down from my siblings, and now to our child! It'll be such a special addition to our home.
Oh, and we're still considering lots of names, but I'm not telling. Ever. :)

We met with the midwife last night for the first time. I am so excited to use the same one that delivered both Aliza and Anna. I remember after Aliza was born saying, "I hope you're still delivering babies when its my turn! I want you to deliver ALL of mine!"
One disappointing thing: we found out I was a week and a half ahead of myself and instead of going on 9 weeks, I am 7 weeks and 5 days. Peter's thoughts, "It doesn't matter. The baby is still going to come!" It's just sad to have thought I was further along than I really am. Especially because there are so many development changes between 7 and 9 weeks!  But Peter is right, essentially. The baby is still going to come. Whether I am 7.5 weeks or 9.

-A.H.

Positively positive?

The word is out-- we're going to have a baby! I can't say that it was a complete surprise, but I was equally surprised when nearly 7 tests showed positive, especially after not "trying". I've come up with several {approxomate} due dates: February 18th, 19th or 21st. How fun it will be to have a newborn for Summer!

And yes, we've talked about names. We talk about them a lot actually. But no, I won't be sharing them with any of you readers. I guess you'll have to wait.

This week I've been feeling better than the past 7. A chronic stomach ache has been enough to make me  more than miserable. But fortunately I think I  might be getting through the "morning sickness". Oh, that's another thing, whoever came up with the term "morning sickness" was an idiot. I'm never sick in the morning, in fact, I feel BEST in the morning and by mid-afternoon and far into the evening I think I am at the lowest of lows. By time Peter gets home, crabbiness has been brewing all day-- I am quite a sight! But he is so patient. All he does is take care of me. He even offered to give up his macaroni and cheese last  night cause he saw me eyeballing it. (And he loves mac 'n cheese!)

Pray for the baby. Pray that it will come to full term, be healthy and strong. Pray for my health as well. That I will do all that is necessary to nurture the baby now, even while it is a centimeter long! Pray especially for Peter and his sanity as he deals with a crazy, emotional wife.

{I'll post a picture of the positive tests soon :)}

-A.H.