26 July, 2010

When sorrows like sea billows roll.

I was always fearful that I'd have to write this post. But here it is.

On Saturday, July 25, the Lord called home our precious twins.

I had just reached the 10 week mark in my pregnancy and was thrilled to be nearly through with the first trimester-- the most dangerous and risky period of pregnancy, the point at which most people consider it finally "safe" to tell friends. Looking back I am so incredibly amazed at how my body was speaking to me but because I had no previous pregnancies to compare things to, I didn't realize it.
On Wednesday I noticed I was feeling great. Too great, my body seemed to be saying. My pregnancy symptoms had vanished. For the first time in 9 1/2 weeks I was not hugging a bowl. I had energy and I didn't feel emotional. I wasn't longing for a nap. Oh, there were so many other signs that I have chosen to leave out.

It wasn't just my body telling me things, but there was a connection I had with those children-- holding them for 10 whole weeks, feeding them, talking to them, considering names for them, and praying for them. The three of us were all connected in a surreal way. Several days after we found out I was pregnant, I remember calling Peter at work and saying to him, "Honey, I think we're having twins. I just have this strange feeling. We are, and I know it." Peter's response, "Oh love, you just want twins so badly so you're making yourself think we are having them. I don't think so."

And I was right. I always wondered when that motherly intuition would kick in, the very wisdom my own mother possessed. I always thought she was so smart and wondered where her great heart and the eyes in the back of her head came from. And now I know.

And now, there is this void inside of me. It is a dark and lonely place to be. I have this feeling of emptiness that seems to tell me it will not be filled for quite some time. I still cry. I weep. I have thoughts and images running through my mind of those two-- one in each arm. Of the twin stroller I wanted, just because I thought it was cute, having a child in each seat. I think ahead and see Peter outside throwing a football, and tackling his two sons. I even think of how crazy our house would have been. Of how crazy I would have been. But it all makes smile.

And I find comfort in Scripture.

Then shall the young women rejoice in the dance, and the young men and the old shall be merry. I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.
~Jeremiah 31:13

I am so blessed to have been chosen by the Lord to carry these boys for 10 weeks. To be connected to them in a way no man will ever fully understand, and no woman until she has experienced the gift herself. In my mourning I am praising the Lord for being the same God He has always been. He is ever faithful and in control. And that is where I find my hope and peace. To my little boys, my angels in heaven, I love you.
Leif Nicholas
Hugh Taylor



  1. O, Angela. **hugs** We're praying for you.

  2. Darling, now that you've given them names, they seem so alive. I no longer think of them as little miscarried almost formless babies, but as young boys, as strong men, living... And I think that's how they must be in heaven. Strong warriors of God.
    We all love you very much. :)

  3. Angela, I read this post with a heavy heart, but was encouraged by the end to see how strong you are standing in the faith of Lord Jesus Christ. Thank for sharing these precious thoughts and being a woman who truly rejoices in her calling as a loving mother. The Torres' will be praying that our Heavenly Father blesses your womb with many children who will be brought up as mighty warriors for His kingdom. Thank you again for your example of a true mother. I love y'all!

  4. So sorry to hear this, Angela. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.