When sorrows like sea billows roll.

I was always fearful that I'd have to write this post. But here it is.

On Saturday, July 25, the Lord called home our precious twins.

I had just reached the 10 week mark in my pregnancy and was thrilled to be nearly through with the first trimester-- the most dangerous and risky period of pregnancy, the point at which most people consider it finally "safe" to tell friends. Looking back I am so incredibly amazed at how my body was speaking to me but because I had no previous pregnancies to compare things to, I didn't realize it.
On Wednesday I noticed I was feeling great. Too great, my body seemed to be saying. My pregnancy symptoms had vanished. For the first time in 9 1/2 weeks I was not hugging a bowl. I had energy and I didn't feel emotional. I wasn't longing for a nap. Oh, there were so many other signs that I have chosen to leave out.

It wasn't just my body telling me things, but there was a connection I had with those children-- holding them for 10 whole weeks, feeding them, talking to them, considering names for them, and praying for them. The three of us were all connected in a surreal way. Several days after we found out I was pregnant, I remember calling Peter at work and saying to him, "Honey, I think we're having twins. I just have this strange feeling. We are, and I know it." Peter's response, "Oh love, you just want twins so badly so you're making yourself think we are having them. I don't think so."

And I was right. I always wondered when that motherly intuition would kick in, the very wisdom my own mother possessed. I always thought she was so smart and wondered where her great heart and the eyes in the back of her head came from. And now I know.

And now, there is this void inside of me. It is a dark and lonely place to be. I have this feeling of emptiness that seems to tell me it will not be filled for quite some time. I still cry. I weep. I have thoughts and images running through my mind of those two-- one in each arm. Of the twin stroller I wanted, just because I thought it was cute, having a child in each seat. I think ahead and see Peter outside throwing a football, and tackling his two sons. I even think of how crazy our house would have been. Of how crazy I would have been. But it all makes smile.

And I find comfort in Scripture.

Then shall the young women rejoice in the dance, and the young men and the old shall be merry. I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.
~Jeremiah 31:13

I am so blessed to have been chosen by the Lord to carry these boys for 10 weeks. To be connected to them in a way no man will ever fully understand, and no woman until she has experienced the gift herself. In my mourning I am praising the Lord for being the same God He has always been. He is ever faithful and in control. And that is where I find my hope and peace. To my little boys, my angels in heaven, I love you.

Leif Nicholas
and
Hugh Taylor
7.25.10

-A.H.