Laundry.

There were baskets of it everywhere this morning. Okay, not everywhere.

Why can't I just put the clothes away right after I fold them? Thanks to my husband, everything is where it belongs. Down to the last tee. Why do I let full baskets sit around for so long that he ends up putting his own boxers away? Isn't that what I'm here for?

I've been fighting an awful headache today. It makes me cranky. Really cranky. Funny thing, I was telling my mom yesterday that I hardly ever get headaches, unless they're accompanied by runny noses or puking. Pride goes before the fall.

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I love being a nanny. Joyce is super sweet. I'm learning a lot about her-- she loves to read books and adores being praised, she has an obedient heart and could be outside all day. She can't get enough kisses from the dog and doesn't like to snuggle. She loves to sing with me, but only when I initiate and tries to get up from the table between every bite of food.

Having Peter home more has been a blessing too. A week ago I wouldn't have thought that him losing his job would be a blessing in disguise. I guess that is how God works. (When will I get that through my aching head?).

My husband is great at always seeing the good in things. He truly is an optimistic man. He immediately saw how losing his job would change our life in a better way. That blesses me.

He's got brains too. After philosophy class yesterday he approached his professor with some questions about the class. His professor then said, "Uh yeah, you might want to try getting into Honors Philosophy."

Yeah.
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Before I go, I wanted to include several things I've learned about living in the city. Cleveland, to be precise. Sometimes I miss living between cornfields.

• during summer months, skunks (including their stink) are everywhere. No really. Everywhere.
• you can't put trash cans at the curb.
• fireworks are illegal.
• you need a permit from the city to have a yard sale.

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Pray for me. I had thought that by now I would be feeling better. I thought I wouldn't cry anymore. But I still do.

I know that "miscarrying is common", especially for one's first pregnancy, but that does not make me feel any better. In fact, it makes me feel worse. I know we "have time", and that we are "so young", but that does not take away the pain. The sting.

Truth is, I want to hold a baby. My babies.



-A.H.

Tell me a story.

With each new day, there is a growing excitement in me for our life. Things are changing. Drastically. We've lost a lot. We've gained a lot.

Peter lost his job suddenly, unexpectedly, this week. We are still praising the Lord. The day he was let go I started a full time nanny position. We're so encouraged that long before any of this happened, God laid a desire on Peter's heart to go back to school. And that is exactly what he is doing.

Our plan is for him to go to school full time and work through it as quickly as possible, while working part time somewhere close. I will continue nannying. Things will be tighter than we've been used to since we got married, but we're so excited. We'll live on love and get by and always have food on the table and grow more and more together. We'll pour more and more into one another and hold on tighter than ever. And, we'll cling to God, praising Him for indescribable peace and provision in this time.

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During our trip to Virginia last week I was able to read I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith. It is written by the wife of Todd Smith, singer of the Christian band Selah. Todd and Angie were told by doctors that the baby Angie was carrying, their fourth daughter, Audrey Caroline, would die after birth, if not before. I won't go into much detail, but the book is incredibly powerful. I read it to help cope with the grief and struggles I have been facing after miscarrying, but I truly do see her story applicable to any trial in life, not just loss.

Her story is heart-wrenching. I tried reading aloud to Peter several times and could never get farther than a few paragraphs before one (or both!) of us burst into tears. I highly recommend the book. I would to anyone. Have some Post-its and a box or two of Kleenex near by.

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I love when Peter tells me stories. Whether he makes them up as he goes along, retells our love story and changes all the names, or uses the classic Three Little Pigs, they're all equally entertaining.

"Tell me a story," I said to him this afternoon.
"Once upon a time there was a boy named Peter. He married a cute girl named Angela. They lost their two sons. Then he lost his job. To be continued."
"Were they in love?"
"Mhmm. Very," he said as he kissed my forehead.

He ended it there, though I know it is not the end. He said it would be continued. He'll come back to tell me the rest of this crazy story we're writing together. This truly is just the beginning.



I love watching a smile spread across his face has I nuzzle up close and rub my nose against his cheek. I love how we laugh together. He tells me we're "so silly". I guess we are. We roll around on the floor and he tickles me until I cry for him to stop. I like to ask him to go for long walks with me, then run away from him just so he'll chase me. And he does. He runs until he catches me in his arms and holds me while we catch our breaths.

I am so in love.






-A.H.

Massanutten.

Part of the boys...

Lovin' him.

One happy putt-putter.

I had the highest score of all. [They tell me in
this game, you want the lowest. Huh.]

We didn't actually stay there. I just made him
pull over so we could take the picture.

Part of being on vacation...

...is that Mom and Dad spoil us all.

We rented tennis rackets one night.

Annie's not really an athlete. Like me.

Not like Nick.

We prefer slides...

At Busch Gardens.

A European Barn Owl. He was full grown and weighed
just under 1 pound. Precious!

Aliza, "Oh, this horse is just perfect. It is purple and
even has diamonds!"

That's my husband in there.

And Aliza Rose.

Me. (These things cost $200 a piece!)

We weren't sure if the little girls would like
this one...

Though they were confident they would...

Success!

Some creature Daddy won her.
She's dubbed it "Rhino".
Don't ask.

Self portrait.
:)

Nevin ate the entire table's worth of crab.
We were also the only table taking pictures of our food...

-A.H.

The beach and laundry detergent.

Below are pictures from a trip we took to the beach. I honestly had completely forgotten about these pictures because so much has happened in the past several weeks.

Despite the dead fish and lack of sand, we did have a good day swimming and exploring in the rocks and trees. Everyone got some sun on their cheeks, but of course Noah and Aliza left with tans that I will be forever envious of.

There she is: Lake Erie.

Annie.

There are plenty of these lying all along the beach.

Aliza informed me that when they move to Michigan
she wants to take Tae Kwon Do, soccer, t-ball and...ballet lessons.

The boys had fun racing back and forth on the rocks.
I love seeing them all together. They're so handsome.
There is a boy misssing-- Nate was at Sea Cadet training.

Nick traversed the slippery rocks successfully.
Noah, not so successful.

Part of the gang...

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I've been wanting to make my own laundry detergent for some time now. My mom used to do it and we loved the way the laundry smelled after being washed.
I was planning on using it for baby clothes/diapers, but why not use it on our stuff too? It really is super easy. Unfortunately I cannot take any of the credit. I've seen this recipe around other places as well, but I took it from the Duggar family. The recipe can be found here: http://duggarfamily.com/recipes.html
I did use a bar of Ivory this time, but for the next batch I am going to look for a more natural, scent-free soap and just add some essential oils.


-A.H.

Leaving for some rest and relaxation.

It's so hard to be strong sometimes. I truly believe this will get easier at some point. [My mom said it would!] Some day I will smile at pregnant women like I used to. Some day I will want to hold a baby again. But not now.

Peter and I were in the grocery store the other day and a young family was walking ahead of us. They had a couple toddlers and an infant. A newborn. A brand new baby girl. She was so new-- 2 weeks at the most, I swear. She still had that fresh baby cry that can never get old. The one that carries on and on and on until she is either fed or picked up. Yeah, you know the kind.

Peter looked at her and said, "Oh my. Aww!" and looked at me. I took one look and turned away, my eyes filled with tears.

It breaks my heart. I have never been able to not smile at a baby-- let alone a newborn.

Some days I cry and wonder if there are any tears left in me, or how much longer I will be able to cry like this. I find that the more I ask "why?" the harder it is. Because really, the "why" doesn't matter. I may never know why. And really, I think if I were to know, I wouldn't even understand.

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We leave for vacation in Virginia with my entire family on Saturday. I am looking forward to having a week of restoration and relaxation. I'm praying for a time of healing. It will be great for Peter and I to be able to spend some quiet time together, without fast-paced life smacking our faces.

I'll break out the camera and snap a few shots while we're gone. I'm realizing how long it's been since I've posted pictures and I know that can be boring. Sometimes I just scroll through the blogs I follow and look for pictures... So, I'm sorry that I've been boring and wordy as of late.


-A.H.

This is not what I signed up for.

Fortunately, life goes on. Though, some days I wish it wouldn't. I sometimes find myself wishing everything could come to a halt while I weep and mourn. But that is not life.

We are so blessed to serve a sovereign God. I was telling Peter the other night how hopeless I would feel if He were not the God we know He is-- in control of all things, with nothing happening outside of His perfect plan. I find so much peace when I am reminded that nothing that happened was outside of His plan.

There is peace, but the tears have not stopped. I cry a lot. As the physical pain has subsided, I have had enough strength to really ponder what happened, what we have lost. I have had the strength to recognize the true excitement and delight that I was feeling for how our life was changing.

Since before we got married I have been looking for a position to nanny. Several opportunities opened up, but fell through for various reasons. Then I got pregnant. I remember thinking, Oh, this is why I couldn't get a job! And then Peter decided he wanted to go back to school. I was so thrilled to have a husband desirous of pursuing further education, I was ecstatic to finally be called a stay-at-home mom, and to be at home with our own child. Children.

Really, it was what I had always wanted.

"The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."
-Proverbs 16:9

Being married for 7 months has taught me a lot. I've learned that a lot of the plans and hopes I had last year were silly dreams that reflected little of reality. I've seen the utter truth in Proverbs 16:9. I've seen things the Lord establishing my steps, according to His way and not my own. I've realized that to wish that things would have happened differently, to wish that I could change what happened would make things worse in reality, because I cannot even see the grander scheme of things.

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Peter and I have been through a lot in 7 months. And it all started noticeably the morning after our wedding. I was sick. Sick sick. Who dreams of going on a honeymoon sick? Strike 1. In February we got a puppy. Yep, Loxley. he's been a handful, to say the least. Fortunately Peter loves him unconditionally, or I might have put him up for adoption long ago. He's a great dog, but needs more space than Cleveland Heights has to offer, therefore he gets on my nerves one too many times a day (though I really do love him, and giving him away would have clearly been a mistake. He's sleeping right beside me as I type. Such a doll). I got pregnant in May and Peter broke his collarbone in a dirtbike accident in June (...the day before my sister's wedding). Early July Peter had a plate and 6 screws put in his shoulder to reconnect the broken clavicle. Late July I miscarried. The night I miscarried the dog ran out the front door to investigate the smelly creature in our front yard. Yeah, a skunk. (Okay, that's not really a huge thing, but that night it seemed so).

7 months ago, I did not know I was signing up for all of this. But I wouldn't have it any other way. We've been through a lot. Atleast I think it's a lot, especially for being married less than a year. A lot of people told me the first year of marriage is one of the hardest. Now I know.

But I truly believe this stuff either makes or breaks you.

It's making us. We're learning to take care of one another. To truly weep with each other. To laugh at the little things in life, and to take things as they come. We're learning to have a vision for the future but to also just do the next thing next. I'm learning to love our crazy puppy. We're finding contentment in God's will for our life together. And, praise Him, we're falling in love more and more every day.


-A.H.