It's so hard to be strong sometimes. I truly believe this will get easier at some point. [My mom said it would!] Some day I will smile at pregnant women like I used to. Some day I will want to hold a baby again. But not now.
Peter and I were in the grocery store the other day and a young family was walking ahead of us. They had a couple toddlers and an infant. A newborn. A brand new baby girl. She was so new-- 2 weeks at the most, I swear. She still had that fresh baby cry that can never get old. The one that carries on and on and on until she is either fed or picked up. Yeah, you know the kind.
Peter looked at her and said, "Oh my. Aww!" and looked at me. I took one look and turned away, my eyes filled with tears.
It breaks my heart. I have never been able to not smile at a baby-- let alone a newborn.
Some days I cry and wonder if there are any tears left in me, or how much longer I will be able to cry like this. I find that the more I ask "why?" the harder it is. Because really, the "why" doesn't matter. I may never know why. And really, I think if I were to know, I wouldn't even understand.
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We leave for vacation in Virginia with my entire family on Saturday. I am looking forward to having a week of restoration and relaxation. I'm praying for a time of healing. It will be great for Peter and I to be able to spend some quiet time together, without fast-paced life smacking our faces.
I'll break out the camera and snap a few shots while we're gone. I'm realizing how long it's been since I've posted pictures and I know that can be boring. Sometimes I just scroll through the blogs I follow and look for pictures... So, I'm sorry that I've been boring and wordy as of late.
-A.H.
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