The first three weeks.

I've never wanted to be one of those bloggers that rambles on and on, only to get their point across, paragraphs later, to a very confused reader. Maybe mine will turn out that way, maybe it's just the way I write. Or maybe not. Oh dear, I'm afraid I've already begun.

By no means do I consider myself an expert, nor can I offer solutions to marital problems; we still are "newlyweds" after all (and will continue to be for at least another year or two!). I only know that after the bridal shower and bachelorette party and wedding day and honeymoon bliss, things were not quite as I expected.
The first several weeks of our marriage consisted of a lot of arguments. I mean, a lot. These were disagreements that we could sit down and discuss together, but they arose so often! My biggest struggle was loneliness, or possibly just boredom, and I often took that out on him. Having gone quickly from a busy family of 11 to a stay-at-home wife, things were very different. When Peter left for work the Monday after we got back from our honeymoon, tears filled my eyes. I remember thinking, I thought getting married meant we would be together all the time, forever. However unrealistic and just plain ridiculous I knew that was, part of me wished it to be true.

I would have days where I would harden myself to my circumstances, grow bitter towards my husband, tell myself I could do it all alone, and pretend as though I was enjoying life as it were. Sometimes still, I struggle with those thoughts telling me I am too dependent. Too needy. But then I am reminded that Peter is my earthly protector, my head and truly, my lover. Therefore, I am not convicted that any of the thoughts, feelings or yes, obsessions, I have for him are wrong. I do rely on him, for nearly everything. He is my leader, my protector and provider, and my laughter and joy. I do not idolize him, but I have found truth and love in submission, and when a husband fulfills his duties, the wife feels gratification and completion.

And truly, as time has gone on, I've certainly discovered ways to keep myself busy. The more days I spend at home, the more I find myself falling in love with certain things. Yes, several part-time jobs - like nannying and painting - have come my way also. But it really is rewarding to have loaves of bread cooling on the counter when my husband gets home. I love to rearrange our furniture, trying to find the best way to use every space. And, the Lord has been working in me. I am encouraged because I know the hours Peter and I spend apart every day only draw me closer to him. At the end of a day I find I have more love, more gratitude, more respect, for him as my husband.

A.H.